From a Better Place

I'll be the one of the first one to say it: My submission used to come from a not-entirely healthy place.

I say not entirely, because when I started in BDSM, I don't consider myself to have been mentally fit. I wouldn't say I'm fully there now, but I'd give myself an 85% at least --- and I'm still interested in being sexually submissive sometimes.

I don't think the origins of it has changed.  I am very turned on by being submissive in bed (or out of it *grin), just as I have always been, but there are some significant differences:

• It's not necessary to have an element of that submissiveness every time I fuck someone.  I used to almost *need to have that be a part of sex, but now, I'm content without it -- and even sometimes interested in turning the table.
• I was unable to articulate my wants and needs for a long time, and used the 'submissive' card to not really have to; I could just be say "Whatever you want" and make it sound appealing to a so-called dominant partner.  
• I no longer need a reason to do the things I used to think to myself "I'm only doing this because he told me to."  I can do things just because I want to, and not feel bad about it..at all!

While  a lot of my relationships before I discovered "real bdsm" (*chuckle) had an element of dominance/submission, it wasn't until I was 28 or so that I actually had a name/phrase/acronym for it.  Somewhere mid-way between my ex and I getting back together and him going into the Navy, the d/s disappeared entirely from our relationship and no amount of asking/pushing/hinting was bringing it back.  I understand that now, but then, it was very confusing.  But it did have an unseen advantage; it taught me to do without, and to find other things to get turned on by.

I don't think I'll be thanking him for that, though.

Now, when I get a hankerin' to submit - whether that entails doing what I'm told; or crawling across the floor; or asking (or begging) to cum; or letting go and letting someone fuck my mouth -- it turns me on -- not because I'm afraid to voice my wants or needs, or because I'm a meek little mouse, or because it's all that really turns me on  -- it's because in that moment, that is what I want.  Take me, use me, make me.

Because next time, I might want to take you, use you, make you.

You just never know with me, do you?

I was a good submissive then.
Now, I'm a good submissive now.

But it's on much healthier terms.  My terms.  Not my self-conscious terms.  My self-confident terms.