Revelations

Wow, so.

First things first. I finally got some answers from C. Not exactly the answers that I wanted, but I'm okay with that. We're done, but we're not filing papers yet, for some financial reasons. Neither of us want this to be acrimonious, so hopefully we'll be able to both be grownups and just simply deal. I've accepted all of it, and I'm not feeling too damn bad lately.

Which is probably why.....

... I've made some new friends in Warcraft. Some of the friends that came over from Everquest with me have quit playing and I miss them. But I joined a guild with some of the ones who have stuck around and met some nice folks, and some really fucked up folks. Typical of every part of life.

Anyway, I started chatting a lot with a guy who was heavily flirting with me. We were grouped in game one day with some other folks, and making this very long run, and flippantly (as only I can do), I said in chat "Are we there yet, daddy?" Seconds later, I get a private message from this guy, telling me that using that word with him could prove dangerous if I wanted him to leave me alone. Thus began what I'll call -- The Conversation about Control and Domination.

For the last three or four days, we have discussed many many aspects of Dominance and submission. For never having been involved in the BDSM community this guy (ok ok, let's call him B.) has many desires, insights and understandings that people who've been around in the community for years have yet to acheive. The conversations have been titilating, thought provoking and have served to remind me just exactly what it is that I enjoyed about this lifestyle.

I'll be honest. When I left Viriginia I kinda expected that I wasn't going to be involved in d/s at least for a long while. And it has been eight months. But I seem to now again be drawn into my own desires for domination.

And I'm kinda happy about that :)

So I'm back on track kids. Let's keep this train a-rollin'

Discovering the Bitch Inside

So I've been reading a lot.

And I've discovered a few things.

I chase.

Oh, I don't mean chasing like in high school where you chase boys. But it's the same principle, only on an adult scale.

I make the phone calls. I schedule the times to see each other. I let it be known I'm ready to sleep with someone without them doing the work. As a matter of fact, I don't make them do any work. I do it all. And then after I've done it for awhile, I start to feel bad because I'm the one doing all the work and the other person isn't doing any. When in reality, I set that up from the git go.

I dunno why I've done it. There are all kinds of possible reasons for it. But what I do know is I can't do it anymore. Because every relationship I've had has followed the same pattern, and they've turned out like shit.

See this pattern in yourself? Get this book: Why Men Love Bitches Frankly, most of it is crap, but there are some very specific areas of the book that made me go - YES! That's ME!

I'm feeling better.
And I'm smiling.

So, I've talked to C several times in the last few weeks. Sunday, I sat down and wrote this:


There was this girl, see.

She was born with a huge heart, big green eyes, and white-blonde curls. She was the younger of two girls, loved by her parents and grandparents alike. She got good grades, had good friends, and participated in school activities. She was musical and creative and something about her glowed when she was happy.

But her heart wasn’t the only thing about her that was larger-than-life. And as hard as she worked, and as hard as she tried, she always felt like she was making up for her non-standard appearance with her achievements.

“If I try just a little harder, maybe they’ll all forget that I’m big.”

And maybe they did. But she could not.

Being the big girl became the only thing she really saw about herself. Oh, she knew she was smart, pretty, creative. She knew she had a flair for writing. She knew she was a good cook, a helpful person, compassionate and caring. She knew she had great eyes and lips and hair, long legs, a pretty smile.

But that was never what she saw when she looked in the mirror. All she ever saw was how big she was, how her face was distorted, and how she couldn’t seem to smile when she gazed at her own appearance.

And then, after many years, along came this boy.

This boy loved her, even when she couldn’t seem to love herself. He encouraged her and he supported her as he loved her. Over the course of eleven years, they came together passionately and parted sadly three times.

When she left him the third time, tears streaming down her cheeks, she still blamed the fact that she was big.

Then the girl spent six months alone, far away from him. She didn’t know when she left him that she felt any of these things. She didn’t know that she didn’t love herself. And she didn’t know how to start, but she knew she had to. Not because the boy told her, but because the hollowness and sadness in her own huge heart told her.

So she spent five months starting to. Every time she felt better about herself, she wanted to call the boy and tell him so, but she couldn’t. She was afraid if she said it out loud, it would sound foolish and she would feel bad about herself again.

“Such a simple thing, loving yourself.” She thought. “It’s not an accomplishment; it’s something I should have always done.”

So even when the boy and the girl started talking again, she held this new part of herself back. She hoped he would see it, but she didn’t say it out loud. “When I am whole, he will see it.” She thought to herself.
----
Tonight, I added this:

There came a point one day, when the girl felt good enough about herself to start looking for a new job. She had sent resumes in before, but one morning she just felt more ready than she had before. As she started to apply for a job that sounded perfect for her, she hesitated, and stopped to think about why.

“I don’t want to be here.” She thought simply. “I want to be with that boy.”

She called the boy and they talked. She told him that she wanted him, and started to tell him what she would do to compromise. The boy was hesitant, so the girl stopped, thinking to herself.

“I respect myself too much to go any further if he isn’t willing. I will stop, and wait. And see.”

And she waits.

She wants the boy more than anything. But not if it means giving up her new self-respect and loving herself to have him. “I will not beg. I would give my all to him, but I will not beg him to take it.”

-----

I'm feeling very sad today. I wish I could make that go away.

New look

Even I tend to get bored..... so I got a new template. I like it. Hopefully, the comments, etc will be working now again.

I know the old-timers have probably stopped being interested so much here, as my D/s discussion seems to be...lacking. I do hope to get back to it at some point. I just want to make sure that what I say isn't affected by my feelings about my separation from C. I'd hate to have to go back and delete entries later.

So, be patient with me. The Goddess is still ironing out (or in) my kinks.

Over the years, I guess I've become far too dependent on D/s. Because simple issues - relationship issues - now confuddle the hell out of me, and I struggle to know how to handle them.

A couple posts ago, I wrote about someone I had been acting far too submissive to. This is a situation that needs to be handled, but since he's been mostly AFK for the last two weeks, it hasn't been "in my face".

Basically, what it boils down to, is it's someone I was very close to at one time, especially during my initial separation from C. Over the course of the last six months, he's pulled back further and further, til every time I see him online, if I don't initiate a conversation, one rarely happens. Of course, he denies that he's pulled away when I have approached him about it, but it's plainly obvious to me (and to everyone who came to know us as partners in game) that he's done this. He says he's busy. He doesn't get to play much. He's distracted. Well, okay, that's fine, does that keep you from sending me a /whisper with a hello? I mean, seriously. I'm not blonde on the inside for fuck's sake.

There's a lot more to the story, but that's the jist of it.

But that's not the issue. The issue I'm having is how I'm handling it. Namely, I'm not. Why?

Cause I'm afraid I'm wrong. I'm pretty sure I'm not, but maybe I am.

But the bigger issue is: This is just a friend. And I'm struggling to be blunt with him. I never had trouble being blunt with C. Or M. Or anyone else. I'd approach it from a submissive corner, of course, but my bluntness and boldness never waivered.

I've gotten so used to one kind of relationship that I'm having trouble dealing with other kinds and that pisses me right the fuck off.

Just writing that helped. I know what needs to be done. I just need to do it. I think I'll be able to now.

I'm a huge fan of words. I used to listen harder than I looked. But you know, it's true. Actions DO speak louder than words. And you can bet your ass that I'm listening now.

She steals a line from one of her favorite pictures shows
And it goes
"You break my heart. But then again, you break everyone's heart"
She touches his cheek and she turns to go
And she knows
She's better for it.

So, it's 4am, and I can't sleep. Nothing new there lately. But this is the first time I've actually resorted to taking a xanax so that I can catch a couple hours sleep.

But there's something on my mind that maybe some of the submissives that read this can relate to.

I've been without a dominant for the better part of 4 years now. C was part-time at it, at best, and only when he felt like it, which just further annoyed us both.

Lately, I've found myself being submissive to people I have no business being submissive to, and it's starting to make me feel - bad.

As a writer, I'd like to use a better word than bad there, but I can't find one.

It's not as if I've turned my life over to someone, or I've allowed them a great deal of control over a big part of my life. But it's little things, here and there. Things that - in a committed relationship would make me feel good. But here they just make me feel - bad. Not at first, of course, but over the course of time, when any kind of relationship - be it love, friendship - whatever - starts to be mostly one sided. Eventually it gets to the point where you say to yourself - ugh, have I really let this happen?

Now, I'm a huge advocate of personal responsibility and I realize fully that I have done this to myself. No one is making me feel bad, except me. And I accept that responsibility. And I know that over the next day or two, I need to resolve this situation, and let the other party know how I feel, and that the "easy train" has derailed. (and no, this isn't about sex. I'm talking about a friendship I have with another person who happens to be male - online - playing MMORPGs. I've been "partners" with him for the better part of a year now, and over the course of time, I've found myself giving much more - and especially giving in - than I should)

Anyway. That's why I'm up at 4am, and why I can't sleep, and why I feel - bad.

Old patterns are hard to break. This one needs to be shattered.

So, ya. No updates here. Mainly cause - no updates to write.

I've started outlining a fantasy novel, about Arthurian times. It's one of my favorite genres to read, and since I've had no erotica inspirations lately, and I want to write, I'm curving that way.

It's funny how I can find so many things to distract myself from what I really should be doing. Making some definitive decisions about the next few years of my life, and putting those decisions into action.

Funny, the one thing I really want to do - I can't.

I want to dye my hair red again. Really deep dark red. However, after dying my hair black for a long time in California, I became allergic to the PPD that's in commercial hair color. So that's out, unless I wanna use henna - which I've also tried, and don't care for.

When I split up from M in California, a very dear friend of mine stepped in, and filled the "dominant" part of my life, until I'd found another to fill it. Was a godsend for me at that time. I've wondered briefly if maybe I didn't need that again, but every time I think it, I just shove it right out of my head. Frankly, for the last couple years, C wasn't much of a dominant, anyway. So what's been missing has been missing for longer than just he and I being separated. I'm not real sure that's the answer for me anymore.

*chuckle* The theme of my life lately: "I'm just not sure"

I'm not sure if I want to just end this thing with C now, while I can or if I want to try to repair it. I'm not sure if I want to step back into the work world as a computer geek, go back to school for something else, find a new profession. I'm not sure if I want to stay here or go back to Portland (did I say that out loud?).

I need clarity.

Anyone got any to sell?

Okay, so, I'm 40 today.

I expected to feel awful. I don't. Maybe it's not sunk in yet lol.

My folks called first thing this morning to wish me a happy birthday. I don't really expect anyone else - namely, C, to call. He forgets birthdays and dates in general, unless someone reminds him.

So I'm gonna go about my day normally, and see where it takes me.

Okay, so. Maybe I went a little overboard there *chuckle*

One particular word has been gnawing at me lately.

Faith.

Not religious faith. No, I'm a recovering catholic with pagan tendencies and I'm quite happy with that.

I'm talking about faith in other people. Somewhere along the line over the last 20 years, I seem to have lost most of that.

I used to be a very trusting soul. Too trusting. As I said to a friend recently, I can still feel the scars when I get too close to the stove *chuckle*.

So, it takes a lot for me to put any trust into someone. And then once I do, if they burn me -- it goes deep.

That's how I feel with C right now. Not because I feel burnt by him - but because I feel as if I put trust in him when we got back together and got married that we would work *together* to make sure things worked between us. And, when we separated - and ya, even now - it seems way too easy for him, and frankly way too difficult for me.

Maybe it's not easy for him. But my lack of faith doesn't allow me to believe he's hiding anything. I try to always take people at face value. Maybe that's my problem - I don't read between the lines (so to speak) - I kinda feel that goes along with the game playing I ranted about before.

Anyway. I have a little note tacked on the bulletin board on my desk that says simply "Faith." I look at it several times during the day, and try to remind myself that -- not just with C, but other people as well - things may not be as they superficially appear.

It's a fine line we walk.
And my balance has never been good.

First of all, you guys are great. The emails and messages I’ve gotten recently – cause of my absence, and from new readers – you blow me away. You give me a great deal of reason to come back and start running off at the mouth yet again. And I thank you for that. The motivation had left me, I hope it’s starting to return.

Second, you’ll notice a relative lack of d/s in anything I’ve written lately, or may write currently, cause – there’s no d/s in my life. The man who I thought was my dominant for life – well – I’ve already told you we’re separated. Not divorced, not yet. There’s no cause for me to go looking for anyone else, and frankly – I’m just not up to it.

Why?

Cause men confuse the very fuck out of my being.

(yes, I’ll elaborate, you knew that I would.)

In the first place, I don’t like to play games in a relationship. I suck at it, it feels bad, and I’m never sure which way to flip or fly if I’m not being 100 percent *me*. I don’t fake pout and I don’t pull away to see how far I can make a guy go to pull me back. I don’t make them play favorites between their friends and me, or their family and me. I just don’t. It’s pointless. If you want someone to love you – for *you* - why would you act in a way – deceptively – if you aren’t? I don’t get it. And I don’t know that I want to.

It seems like, though, that you almost have to play some kind of games to keep guys interested. Giving your all doesn’t keep their attention. They need a challenge, they need to be kept on their toes. Is that it? Is that really how this is supposed to work?

This is not to say that the gentlemen I’ve shared my life with have not played games with me. *chuckle* No, not by a long shot. The games are many and varied. Let’s see if I can put them into words.

There is the “let’s push to see how far I can make her go to make sure she has me.” I hate that shit. Look, if I’m there, I’m there. I’m not going anywhere. Why must I be tested?

There is the Silent Treatment – which used to work exactly as intended with me, but over the years, I’ve learned that countering his silence with my own usually suffices. And that’s not playing games on my part. I really *don’t* wanna talk to someone who is trying to make me give in by cutting me off. Not even in d/s. That’s unfair and frankly shows very little respect for me.

There is “she’s submissive and she loves me. What can I make her do, just for kicks.” Okay, look. If you truly have a desire to see me in bed with a live chicken and a chainsaw, great. If you’re just doing it to try to prove to yourself how much control you have over me, I think its shitty behavior and if I catch you in it, I will call you on it.

I guess maybe I just feel testing someone *is* playing games and I don’t like it. I don’t need to be tested for fucks’ sake, take me at my word. Not doing so simply shows – again – a lack of respect for me, and a lack of faith *in* me. How do you think that endears you to me? It don’t. Period.
Is this common submissive response? Nah. Probably not. But this is *my* response right now, and I still do consider myself a submissive.

There is a line that can be crossed between being dominant and being a dick. Testing your partner crosses that line. Do you really wanna be John the Dick? Or John the Dominant? Think about that.

This, of course, is not to say that some submissives don’t like that behavior – yadda yadda yadda – your mileage may vary. (why do I still feel a need to put disclaimers on this shit?)

And here’s another thing I don’t get about men. What is it about the word “need”? You either love it or hate it, and women walk a fine fucking line every time they get into a relationship with that very word. C didn’t mind it if I said I “needed” him (but by god he hated it if I said he “needed” to do something. His response was always “I don’t need to do anything but eat sleep and breathe, everything else is optional.”). But M. hated the very idea of that word and if I so much as uttered it in the middle of a good sound fucking his hackles went up and the mood was spoiled. We want you to know we want you around. We want you to know we want you in our lives. We want you to know we miss you when you’re gone. Sometimes, that’s a need. Why must we stop and think each time before we use that word?

Do I sound frustrated? Yea, I am. Because I’m damn near 40 years old, with one divorce and one separation and one termination of a 4-year-live-in-relationship on my shoulders and it’s got me wondering – what the fuck.

[-----]

So, in trying to piece all this stuff together, which is what I’ve been doing recently in addition to working on my apartment, making candles and playing Worlds of Warcraft, I’ve not figured anything out.

Except, that something I said to M. once – during one of those famous tearful drawn out emotionally draining relationship talks – is that maybe I’m not meant for a long term relationship. Maybe I’m just a catalyst in other people’s lives. With my first husband, I got him out of a dingy 1 room apartment where he kept cash only in a drawer in his waterbed, into a house with a bank account, credit cards, and a better grasp on finances. With C, it was helping direct him back to the military and helping him handle his dad’s death. With Mark, it was helping raise the girls. I mean, seriously, is that what I’m supposed to be doing?

If so, screw relationships. I’ll find a fuck buddy and be done with it.

I am way too old for this shit.

[-----]

*chuckle* Well. Where did all that come from?

On the upside, it’s been snowing a lot and I’m happy watching it fall.

Sophie is spastic as ever. But we like our new bed, and we like our new place, and we’re warm and toasty and safe and free.

And now, you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go find something productive to do, rather than rant all over you guys. *smile*.

I know, I know. I promised to finish that thought. Been a busy week sorta, and my parents will be here soon for the day, so lemme finish that thought and make all nice-and-good for my folks.

Secretary: The Movie. I like this movie. As a regular old fashioned movie, it's got a clear plot, with plenty of subplot action. The actors are good (I love James Spader - yummy). It's just - odd enough to be cultish, and most "regular Joe" people would probably be offended at the whole thing, so -- yea, I like it.

What I don't like is that both of these people appear to be mentally ill :( Her especially. Why do they find it necessary to show d/s in movies only when they can link it with someone who has a history of cutting, of alcohol abuse in their family, etc? What's up with that? Is that the only thing that makes it palatble for the rest of the world? And that's a heck of an image to be portraying.

But I can't help but like it, despite that *chuckle*

I watched Secretary again the other night.

My opinion that these 2 charectars are pretty messed up still stands. But I still like the basis of the movie, and the d/s elements of it.

Acck...gotta run. I got more on this. Will finish my thought later.

Seems our friend Spankboss has riled up the touchy feely d/s crowd. Ugh.

When are people gonna get it? Not everyone has their D/s wrapped up in pretty pink bows in the bedroom?

And when are people gonna stop bashing those of us who don't want it that way?

It'd also be nice if people stopped making excuses for their behavior and started accepting that life is about choices. But I don't see that happening any time soon.

I wish I had something more exciting to write about :(

I find myself being very frustrated with C the last few days. Despite phone calls and emails, I've gotten no response from him. Maybe he's punishing me. I dunno. But the stuff I need to speak with him about - are bills and such that need to be put in his name since I'm gone - it's not trivial bullshit.

I said to him before I left - right before, actually, while I was standing by the car - that I believe he thought he was a lot more dominant and I thought I was a lot more submissive. The wording there is wrong.

It's just that I don't want to submit to someone who's got no interest in being submitted to.

When a relationship disintegrates, you're looking for answers. I'm still kinda looking for them. Between the Navy and the way C's Dad's death affected him - I probably have them, but I don't want to leave it there. I know I'm not blameless here.

In the mean time, Happy Thanksgiving. Hug your loved ones. I'll be hugging my parents and my niece tomorrow.

Greetings and Salutations from Wisconsin.

I've been here about 2 weeks, and am settling in - even though I had a horrible move so far. My furniture still isnt' here. But I bought a new bed, and have been filling the apartment with new things, so that when it does arrive, I'll have a full house. I brought Sophie with me, and she is adjusting to being without Star, tho she still pines for him I think. Who could blame her? So do I.

So, without television, I've been watching DVDs on my laptop before I go to sleep. The movers missed some of the DVDs in the TV cabinet, and I ended up with my copy of BDSM: Alternative Loving with me. It hadn't even been opened. It was one of those movies I meant to watch with C., and never did. Last night, I popped it in.

First impressions: not bad. There were many things about this documentary that I liked, and just as many that I did not like. The use of "real" and "true" in reference to dominants and submissives grated on my last nerve (see: Real And True and Their Misplacement in BDSM ). Some of the people interviewed were believable, some not. I could have done without the Gorean example completely. But there was a great diversity shown - as far as gays/lesbians/het folks, and different play styles. Professional dominance was touched on, which was nice.

The best part of the entire documentary was getting to listen to Vi Johnson speak. I have read
To Love, To Obey, To Serve, and found it fascinating. I've also exchanged email with Vi, though it was ages ago. I've never gotten the opportunity to meet her, but hope that some day, I do.

All in all, it was worth the 30 bucks, if for no other reason, to confirm my gut instincts about some of the people I heard speak for the first time in the film. It was a good introduction (gawd I love to watch fireplay. Would never do it, but it's so dramatic to watch) for people, albeit perhaps a bit scary. They choose mostly good people to interview, as most of them were normal everyday people.

If you have 30 bucks laying around, and are curious, pick it up. If you don't, you're not gonna miss all that much.

Again....Where did I go?

Well, shit. I wish I could tell you.

Things around here turned to hell in a handbasket recently. Many reasons for that, but the jist of it is, I'm in the process of moving closer to home for awhile. Probably a long while. I don't know yet.

Yup, C and I are separating.

I've got some really mixed emotions about this. In a lot of ways, it's good because my needs were surely not getting fulfilled in this relationship - and this will give me time to decide if those needs are really needs, or just things I conditioned myself to want. Time to re-evaluate not only my base self, but D/s in general and my place in it. In a lot of ways, it's bad, because despite everything - I love C. Have loved him for the better part of 11 years. That hasn't changed, despite the Navy and other things. I doubt somehow it ever will. Doesn't mean it's enough. Doesn't mean it isn't.

Do I sound non-commital? Fuck yes, I am.

Intend to move around the middle or end of the month. Expect much for verbage outta me after that, cause I'll be starting the big evaluation of Screamer.

Introspective


As I’ve mentioned in the past, I run several email lists: Four Strictly lists, Ds, Ms, Spanking, and SM, plus one called Verbal Intercourse, which never got off the ground unfortunately. I’m trying to perk it up now. But the mainstay of my list management is for BDSM based lists.

Sometimes, like the last year, I feel like a fraud in that.

There’s so very little D/s in this house right now. Not only because he’s gone, but because when he’s here he is exhausted. With his dad’s death, and the subsequent estate war (still going on), there just doesn’t seem to be any energy for much of anything.

Patience has never been a strong suit of mine, but I’ve had to learn it, and learn it well over the last year. What brought C and I together in the first place, over 10 years ago, was D/s. And it’s not like either of us have changed so much that we don’t need or want that anymore. It’s just not – there.

No doubt, this is difficult. And I frustrate easily in it. But I’m trying to get better within that.

I’ve been chatting with a man on EQ about BDSM. Two of them actually – one seriously and one not seriously. I sent him (herein to be referred to as S.) some of my writing before C. left on his last cruise and he asked me a question about why a man would want to make the woman he loves cry. A few days later, when I was taking C to base in the morning, I asked him that question. His response was very simple: Because it exhibits the amount of control the man has over the woman. When I re-iterated this to S., he said that a lot of this stuff I enjoy seems to revolve around control. And I guess it does. Or, at least, it would appear that way to someone completely vanilla, learning about this stuff for the first time. It was interesting to share these pieces of myself with someone who had no experience in kink, and I actually learned a lot about myself in doing that. I’ve been pretty introspective about it, and some other things, for the last couple weeks, and I expect quite a bit of thought and writing to come from that. At least, I hope it will.

Okay, well, I'm still alive.

YAY!

It's been a bad winter/spring here. Christmas was insane, and 7 days after we returned home from our trip to Iowa and Wyoming, my father in law passed away and we had to return to Wyoming for three weeks. Since then, C has gone out to sea again for a short cruise and is now out on a long cruise. No idea when he'll return. So I'm left at home dealing with the estate and various other things - and playing a lot of EQ.

Expect to see me back ranting and raving real soon, if anyone is still checking....hello...hello...echooo.....