Too Much of a Good Thing...maybe

Even though I haven't been writing much lately, I have been thinking. I am always thinking. Sometimes, it would be nice to be able to shut that off, but since that's not going to happen anytime soon, I have learned to embrace my thoughtfulness.

It occurred to me awhile back to think about how I affect the people around me. If you've read anything in this blog, you'll know that I am very interested in sex -- they psychological, the physical, the emotional -- I read it. I talk it. I write it. I do it (well, I do it with someone else when I can *grin*). I recently sorted through my books, and pulled out all of the ones that I won't read again to give away (all of the library appropriate books will go to the library up by my folks and the non-library appropriate ones will go to the used bookstore...), and almost half of those books that will be leaving my home are about sex. Some fiction, a LOT of non-fiction. But that's a lot of books. The subjects are varied...but probably half of those going away are about BDSM books that I have been collecting for many, many years.

Anyway.

I do have a deep-seated interested in all things sexual and I wondered to a friend yesterday if that was perhaps intimidating to other people that I may be sleeping with. As he *is* someone that I've slept with, he had his own answer for this: Sometimes.

I'll admit that it stung. Not because I didn't expect it, because I did. But because knowing it was true was different.

My obsession with all things sexual started a very long time ago. In high school, I think, when I ran across a copy of the book Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex (But Were Afraid to Ask) by David Reuben



This book fascinated me. (Actually, having written that, I just ordered a used copy of the revised edition from 1999 from Amazon). At 16, having grown up in a very Catholic family in a family small town in a Midwestern state, this book discussed things that not only had I not HEARD of, but that someone tweaked me in such a way that I started masturbating even more than I had been before that, and my fantasy life suddenly came to life.








From there, it just grew. One couple I babysat for had a copy of The Joy of Sex. While the drawings in the book were odd to me, the information contained inside those covers continued my fascination. Fed me. Propelled me to look for more to look for more...and more ... and more....

Other people I babysat for had actual porn novels. And Frederick's catalogs from when the pictures were mostly drawn, not photographed (they were old catalogs).

It hasn't really stopped. Ever. I guess you could say I never really settled down.

All of this writing about sex and talking about sex certainly was never intended to make anyone feel intimidated...not even a little. I guess I can understand it though. The same friend and I play an online game together. He is considerably better at many things in that game than I am, and I often feel intimidated when trying something new with him around me.

But it still bothers me that indeed - my captivation with sex may have caused issues in my past relationships, too.

I think that my past, having participated heavily in the BDSM community for a number of years and having been published many times in that genre also intimidates potential playmates. That bothers me, too.

But to be honest, these are not things I can change. Could I hide my interest in all things sex and kink, and pretend to be a shy, vanilla girl? Sure. But how long do you think that would really last? And it's dishonest. It doesn't work. It will never work.

I am okay with who I am in this.

And I'm pretty sure that it's never ended a relationship that didn't need to be over, nor do I think it has prevented a relationship that was meant to be. But it does give me pause, and makes me wonder if I don't need to tone it down a little bit until people get to know me VERY well.